


Please Ignore Me

by New2Boy



Series: Literal Therapy [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, For Me, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Trauma, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, c ptsd, literal trauma work, not for zuko, zuko says fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26265043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/New2Boy/pseuds/New2Boy
Summary: Let me project my personal response to trauma on this boy.
Relationships: Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Literal Therapy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908262
Comments: 5
Kudos: 104





	1. Questions

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a writer and I'm not trying to write a good story. I'm trying to 1- get out thoughts at 3am by projecting them onto a character because that is so much easier, and 2- put something on the internet and get over my fear of saying things and having them exist.
> 
> There will probably not be tidy or happy endings because my shit doesn't yet have tidy or happy endings. Sorry, y'all.

Zuko doesn't completely love joining the Gaang. He knew how to handle them being suspicious of him, watching him, judging him. He knew how to control that. But once they accepted him, the attention was... Different. 

They seemed to want to _know_ things about him. What the fuck is that? It makes him uncomfortable, and he has to remind himself that they're not enemies anymore, they're not gathering information on him to use to hurt him later. _(They're probably not good enough spies to pull off faking friendship to gather information on him to use to hurt him later. Probably.)_ So he tries to be honest. 

But he doesn't like it when they all start... Listening to him. About things other than Ozai and Azula and Firebending. That makes sense. That's useful information that he can provide. He's just the messenger for that. No, it's the personal stuff.

He feels nervous, sweaty, pressured and trapped. He doesn't like their eyes on him, and he doesn't have anything to _say_ that matters, so why do they want to know? Even when it's done, when they've moved on, he keeps watching them to make sure it's _over_ \- that he's safe now. That they're really done. He's grateful when they are.


	2. Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This bad boy can fit so much trauma in him.  
> (it's me. i'm can fit so much trauma)
> 
> Or, how to negotiate a new sexual relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of non-con, sexual coercion and relationship abuse. TW for panic attacks, PTSD, and unhealthy thought patterns.
> 
> Nothing against Mai, y'all, I just needed people to project onto.
> 
> Forgive me if I switch tenses, I know that's my biggest weakness.

Like anyone with eyes could have predicted, it didn't take Sokka long to start sharing Zuko's bed after he became Fire Lord. Their first night together was very nice and very _private,_ thank you. 

Waking up sore, warm, and happy, Zuko stretched out and accidentally clocked Sokka's shoulder early in the morning. Sokka, apparently part pentapus, glommed onto him as big spoon. At first it was nice. Sokka was squeezing his torso and nuzzling his nose on the back of Zuko's neck. It was heart melting- a wide smile spread over Zuko's face as he closed his eyes and curled back into the embrace.

And then it became very quickly very not nice. Zuko curled back and brushed on Sokka's morning wood, and Sokka instinctively pushed forward with a sleepy moan, squeezing Zuko tighter and breathing deeply.

_Fuck. Shit. Fuck. SHIT._

He didn't want to do this right now, but right there, he had just encouraged Sokka. Zuko's smile was gone- he was fully awake and his face was serious as Sokka rubbed against him a second time, still nuzzling his neck and making sleepy noises. He didn't make the mistake of pushing back a second time. How could he? He could barely move. His breath was coming shallow and his chest was constricting. 

_Fuck, how had he messed this up already?_

He hadn't. Not really. Not yet. He could put on a happy face and do his duty. Sokka didn't need to know he wasn't really in it. He didn't need to cause the drama that would follow.

Sokka kissed him on the shoulder and mumbled a flirtatious little "Good morning, baby."

Zuko took a deep breath to ready himself and rolled back towards Sokka. Sokka completed their movement so he was lying on top of Zuko, his face doing more _nuzzling_ into Zuko's chest. His hands were roaming, and he was giving Zuko's collarbone sleepy little kisses. Zuko closed his eyes. 

He didn't want to _do this_ right now. He had to pee, his muscles were spent from last night, and his right hip was sending him pain from where he might have sprained it from thrusting in bridge pose to try to go _deeper deeper yes yes_ like Sokka had enthusiastically requested. But he knew that he'd given encouragement and what was expected now. He also knew what would happen if he didn't want-

"Uh, Zuko?" Sokka's little kisses had stopped. Zuko snapped his eyes open with a quick inhale and saw Sokka's head cocked, eyes inquisitive.

Oh _fuck._ He'd been caught. He'd never managed to be good at this part. He tried to relax the furrow in his forehead. His whole face had tensed while he'd squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to relax it, but his eyes were wide. He could feel it.

"Hello," Sokka continued, "you in there? You don't look so good. Headache or something?"

Now this was an offering. Zuko knew it was. He was being offered one more chance to do his damn duty in this relationship. He gave a small smile and shook his head a couple times.

This had always been enough for Mai to keep going. Sokka was still just looking at him.

_Fuck. Fuck, what now?_

Did he need to speak? Did he need to act even more interested? Hadn't he given enough yet?

_Oh fuck._

As he'd puzzled through what his next move was supposed to be, the silence had stretched on, neither of them moving. Sokka was still watching him from above. Zuko was still stuck in his own decision tree. As each second ticked by he was making this _worse,_ eyes wide, breath coming quickly. He felt wild inside, not sure how Sokka was going to take this. What kind of fight were they going to have now?

Sokka's words were expected, though the tone was not. He backed up, bracing his hands on the mattress to lift off Zuko saying, "woah, okay, you _really_ don't look into this right now. Are you ok?"

That was different, there at the end. _'Are you okay'._ That was normally _'what's the problem'_ followed by a fight. 

Zuko tried to regain his bearings. He thought through their situation step by step. It started as his fault, he had brushed Sokka's erection. But regardless, Sokka was hard, he must want something. It was different with Mai- she would lead his hand to let him know she that she was ready for him to get to work- but the idea is the same, isn't it? And after that, Zuko had failed to do well enough at taking care of Sokka. He had distracted him with his lack of interest, probably offended him and made him think he's not interested _at all_. So what comes now? Was Sokka not going to talk to him until he initiated sex himself? Was he going to get out of bed and start raging about how Zuko shouldn't have to be convinced into being with him? Would he roll away for now, only to try again in a minute, and a minute after that, and a minute after that, until he got what he wanted? 

"Okay, Sunshine," Sokka was saying, kindly ( _?_ ) rolling fully off of Zuko back to his side of the bed. "Just take some deep breaths. Can you talk to me?"

_Can you talk to me?_ Was he incapable of talking? He felt his face fall into confusion. How long had he been not talking for? He knew his eyes had been darting around, avoiding Sokka's, trying to figure out what was going to happen next. That had been... Oh wow, that had been a while. Why hadn't he talked? Why wasn't he moving? Why wasn't he _answering Sokka??_

Panic started to rise. Twofold panic. First, he couldn't seem to make himself do anything but lay there, wide eyed again, breath quick and shallow, body tense. Second, _he was about to be in so much trouble_. He couldn't get it together for a little morning sex? Really? Zuko knew he was going to pay for this _drama_ somehow, and he needed to start doing damage control as soon as possible. Which would be a lot easier if he could _move or speak_.

_Move. Move. MOVE. You have to move. You have to say sorry. Please say sorry. Please say sorry. Please say SORRY!_

"Sorry."

His eyes were still stuck wide at the ceiling, body still tense, and his voice was horribly quaky when it finally broke out of him.

_That was a terrible apology. Completely unconvincing. There's no way he's going to buy that._

More fear flooded his system. He needed to stop being such a _baby_ and pull himself together.

"Zuko, you have nothing to be sorry about," Sokka said softly, momentarily stopping Zuko's whole train of thought. Because that didn't fit. He waited for the follow up guilt trip. The admonition. Maybe being left alone? He stared up at Sokka in fear, waiting for the punishment his bad behavior was going to cause but... Nothing. Sokka just kept leaning against his pillow, looking at him. His hands didn't move. He was being... Careful. Very careful.

_Oh no._

He was taking _care of_ Zuko. Somehow he'd turned this situation that was supposed to be about getting Sokka off into something about _him_. Selfish, selfish stupid dramatic selfish-

Panic overtook him at the realization and Zuko managed to blurt out another "I'm sorry," before it became an outpour. Sokka looked confused and alarmed, but that couldn't be right. That made no sense. Zuko had screwed up, so this was the right thing to do. He needed to make Sokka _understand, "I'm sorry I'm so sorry it won't happen again I swear please baby don't be mad just come back here I promise I can make it ok we don't have to fight I'm so sorry I'm so so sorry Sokka I'll do whatever you want I'm so sorry just please don't be mad at me please-"_

He was shushed by a "Okay, okay, it's okay, you're okay, baby, you're okay," and Sokka curling up around his torso, doing his best to give him a hug from the side. This made him tense- the touch especially. What was that touch going to do? And how was he okay? Was he really going to be forgiven? That easily? That can't be right, where's the rest? 

Sokka interrupted his thoughts again. "Zuko, what in the world do you think you need to be apologizing for? I just woke up, I'm a little slow. Can you please explain it to me?" Sokka's hands were brushing down Zuko's hair and cheeks. Comfortingly? Was he going to pull? No... He was just stroking. And looking. Watching. Waiting. _Oh, fuck_ he was waiting. Is this what he wanted? A more specific apology? 

"I'm sorry," Zuko began, turning his eyes down, "I didn't mean to lead you on when I wasn't ready to follow through. I'm- I don't want you to worry about me either. Please don't worry about me. I'm fine, I promise. I'm ready. Can you please forgive me? I didn't want to upset you Sokka, I'm sorry. Please forgive me." His voice sounded hollow and desperate. He used to talk to his father that way. Again, he didn't sound very convincing. According to Sokka's face, he had just continued to make this more confusing. 

"Okay, so- Okay. Okay, Um... Okay."

_Ever insightful, Sokka._

Sokka took a deep breath and tried again. "Let's start at the beginning of all that. When did you 'lead me on'? I'm not remembering that." 

Zuko felt his brow furrow in confusion again. What was happening here? "I led you on when we first woke up. You cuddled me. I pushed back into your- onto you and you were... Hard. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"Okay, just-" Sokka sighed in frustration.

_Fuck, more missteps. Please stop making this worse, Zuko._

"Zuko, you didn't lead me on, okay? We were cuddling. That's all it ever has to be. Just cuddling."

"But then you started kissing me?"

"And that's all that has to be, too! Affection can just be that- affection! We never have to go further if you're not feeling it."

"But... You were feeling it, Sokka. I could feel you _feeling it_."

"Zuko, we both have penises. Don't you understand morning wood? It doesn't always mean actual arousal. It just means I'm unlikely to get more sleep."

"Shit, I'm sorry," Zuko blurted out again. Seeing Sokka's confusion he explained, "for all of this... Waking you up."

Sokka smiled a sad sort of smile and stroked his hair some more. He seemed to be thinking. For once, thank Agni, Zuko just _shut up_ and didn't keep making everything worse. He just watched Sokka work through however he wanted to handle this situation. 

"Zuko, can you try to tell me _why_ you think you have to apologize for all this stuff? I know I never got very far with Suki, so I might be missing something. But why would it be wrong for you to not want to 'follow through' "- he used such adorable air quotes around such dangerous topics- "and why would it be wrong for you to be worrying me? Why did you think I would be upset?"

Those were big questions, and Zuko didn't quite know where to start. He could see that Sokka was confused, but he was pretty confused himself. This wasn't a fight. And Sokka didn't seem to understand that it was supposed to be? It didn't seem like Sokka to try to get Zuko to say something wrong or untrue to use to hang him with... He should try. He'd already created all this mess. For Sokka, he would try.

"With Mai. I've only ever been with Mai. I was bad at... Being who she wanted me to be in bed." Zuko didn't look at Sokka now, and pulled the blankets up to his nose. He felt small, admitting his failures to Sokka. "She wanted to have sex more than I did. Not that I didn't want to have sex, I just didn't want it every time she wanted it. And when we disagreed about it, well, that was my fault, wasn't it? I would cause these big fights. I wouldn't be into it, or I'd try to say I didn't want to, and she'd ignore me and threaten our relationship until I got it together to do it. Sometimes it was more like... A hit to her self image? She didn't believe I was into her if I didn't want to have sex, and she didn't believe me until we would. I sometimes just made it hard for us. And then if I did say yes when I was causing problems, she could get mad if my body wasn't responding. I couldn't make it respond. And she'd be upset too if I didn't like or want what she wanted to do to me. She reminded me to keep an open mind for our relationship, and that it would probably get better next time. And me being dramatic like this would just make everything worse. It's a way to make it all about me, rather than give my partner what they need. It makes me a shitty person to date. I'd understand if you didn't want that." Zuko finished to a heavy silence. He held tight to his blankets and waited for the goodbye, or the fight, or the blame.

The silence stretches on. It ticks by. Zuko waits, electric, for whatever is about to happen. He finally can't stand it any more. He has to look at Sokka.

Sokka is... Sokka looks wrecked. This time his eyes are closed. His hands are in fists where they and his forearms are supporting him on the bed. His jaw looks clenched. He's breathing deeply, head tilted slightly to look one side. He stayed there. Silent. _Shit, more errors._

"I'm sorry." For what? He didn't even know anymore, but his words had caused it, so just pile it onto the plate of Zuko Morning Fuck-ups. 

Sokka inhaled and opened his eyes. He smiled, just a little down at Zuko. _Hunh._

"You still don't have anything to apologize for," Sokka told him softly, back to stroking his hair. "That's not... That's not how I want this to work. Let's assume for a little bit at least, that I'm _not_ going to initiate sex with you. I just want to be with you. Talk with you, hold your hand when you'll let me, kiss you when you'll let me, and give you some cuddles when you want them. Anything past that has to be what you want, Zuko. What you want is just as important as what I want."

And Zuko is... Confused. None of what's happening is part of the usual playbook. It's not even close. He must look as confused as he feels, because Sokka gives a small smile and tries again.

"I want to be with _you,_ Zuko. Anything else is just the icing on the cake."

_Oh._

_Well that can't be right._

"And Zuko? Last night. Where does that fit in... Here."

"No, Sokka, No. Last night versus what I had with Mai... There aren't even words. Yes, I was totally on board for last night." The memory of that helps hold him here, now. Eye contact, smiling, questions of _Yes? Here?_ fill him with courage. Maybe some faith that this isn't a trick.

"Okay," Sokka releases a large breath and some tension before rambling, "cool. Just... Me too, by the way. Totally. So... For now Zuko, breakfast?" And Sokka clambers, naked, out of bed. Zuko waits for something else. Sokka goes to the toilet. Sokka comes back. He doesn't seem changed. He wants breakfast? He begins... Putting on his pants. Wow. Okay, this conversation is over. It's really over. Is he going to turn sour at some point today? Where's the other foot?

Zuko says little as he dressed and follows Sokka out of his room. He watches. He waits. This can't last forever, can it?


	3. Public

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes I will go shopping with you, so long as we're not tourists about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe people are actually here for my unsupervised narrative therapy practice. If you're interested in the results, I sleep noticeably better after writing (5 hours a night to 9 hours a night). #bless
> 
> TW Panic attack, intrusive thoughts
> 
> More notes at the end on writing style weirdness.

Sokka likes shopping in the Fire Nation capital. Sorry, scratch that, he _loves_ shopping in the fire nation capital. Normally Zuko is too busy or too tired to go with him, but it's what Sokka wanted for his date night. You can't say no to your hot boyfriend's ridiculous requests for date night (actually, you can, Sokka is very big on emphasizing the strength 'no' has in all places and times), but Zuko does allow himself one request.

"Yes, I'll go, but we can't act like tourists about it."

A simple, simple request. 

The shopping begins focused- Sokka wants some cozy slippers for the hard palace floors, and Zuko is looking for some choice chrysanthemum tea. They've toyed with the idea of some more artistic tapestries for Zuko's room and are willing to at least see what the local artists have to offer. They're in and out of various shops, both wearing cloaks to give their date night a bit more ease while in public. It's a loud night and Zuko keeps getting bumped on his bad side with the streets being so crowded.

Then, Sokka sees some new strange jelly candy in a display. In the store, lots of them are stored in a bag shaped like a cat and he thinks it's so cute. Zuko's ready to move on. The shop keeper is trying to stock the shelves right behind Sokka. The shops are crowded and he doesn't want to be a bother to anyone- he's trying hard to be less of an inconvenience as his new self. 

Around the corner from the cat bag of candy there's a rice sack with two bunny ears sewed on top, making it a big white bunny. Sokka looks like he's going to cry over how cute it is. He's getting louder and louder. Does he not realize how loud he is? And there's a woman behind him with two small children who need to get through the isle they're in why hasn't he seen them and why isn't he moving doesn't he see how mad she looks oh okay now she's looking over here o h no okay that's notgreat we need to movenowmovenow please "Sokka I'm going." And without any thought he turns and navigates quickly out of the small area back to the street. 

He looks left, then right. Left again. It looks quieter. He goes at a quick pace, keeping his eyes down. He can hear someone leave the store and they're trying to gain on him. The shop keeper? He must be upset about the disruption in his store. Zuko braces himself and turns around for his dressing down. 

It's just Sokka, struggling to keep up. 

He looks concerned. He's saying something. His shopping bag is clinking loudly- the ceramic vases shaped like fish are probably knocking together. They're making Zuko flinch. 

Sokka reaches for him, and he pulls himself back a step. _What the hell am I doing?_ Feeling dizzy, he looks up at Sokka for reassurance. He's pointing down towards the quieter part of the street. He looks concerned. Not angry.

_'Not yet,'_ a nasty little voice says. 

Zuko quick walks out of the crowd, navigating towards a quiet side street and sits down. Sokka sits closely next to him. Zuko feels an undeniable urge to put more space between them, and he does. 

He's trying to breathe deeply, and trying to understand these _urges_ he's feeling- the urge to leave, the urge to keep space between him and Sokka. This isn't what he wants, not really. 

"Babe, you have to relax," Sokka says, finally breaking through in such a quiet environment. 

_Relax? What-_ okay. His shoulders are hunched in, he's holding his arms across his chest, he's sitting a little curled over and he's been looking up and down the street. He looks, and honestly feels, terrified. Of noise? Of them making noise? No. No, he didn't like those people looking at him. He and Sokka were outsiders- unsure, stupid and drawing attention to themselves. It's so _dangerous_ to behave that way. 

He felt a surge of anger at Sokka, and glanced a glare his way. Sokka responded with a confused, hurt look and a _loud_ "Hey, what did I do?!" 

Zuko was on his feet again. He couldn't seem to release his arms or shoulders, but he could still quick walk ( _'flee,'_ the nasty little voice corrected him. He could hear Azula's sneer in it). He led the way back to the palace. Sokka followed him, and kept trying to _talk to him_. He was calling out in the street, calling attention to the both of them. Strangers turned their heads to look at the two of them. Zuko tried to keep his pace. He didn't want to air his dirty laundry with Sokka in front of others- He didn't want their judgement. He didn't want them to know things they shouldn't. This was private, between the two of them. Why did Sokka want to be so out _loud_ about everything?

Once they got to the palace Sokka sarcastically asked him, "now are you finally gonna talk to me?" He was completely forgetting that though they were physically safe in the palace, information was a weapon all its own. He really wasn't afraid of the gossip power of the guards and the servants? How could be so careless with his safety? His ceramics were still clinking loudly in his bag. They made Zuko jump a little in his walking.

Sokka stormed into Zuko's room right behind him, and Zuko closed the doors as quickly and quietly as he could. 

Sokka started with an ever so _loud_ , annoyed, "what the hell, babe?"

Zuko approached him quickly. Sokka looked a little startled at that, putting one foot back, but Zuko just wanted the damn bag of ceramics. He sighed and relaxed a little as he got the bag in his hands and moved it very carefully to a soft couch where, hopefully, there should be no more sound. He gently nestled it between two plump cushions, took a moment to be sure of his work quieting the demonic crashes, and turned back to Sokka. 

He felt like he could barely speak, but on his walk/jog home he had the realization that he was acting ridiculous. That didn't mean he could _stop_ the actions, but he recognized how he must look from the outside. He knew that Sokka deserved an explanation, and he dug deep to find words before they ran out. It felt like his jaw was clenching up. 

"Sokka, I specifically said that I didn't want to be tourists. I didn't want to look like stupid outsiders. You were loud, you were obviously enamored with everything, and you got in peoples' way. They looked at us. You drew their attention. I don't... I don't like it when people pay attention to me. It's safer to be ignored. I got scared. Really scared. I still feel scared? I actually can't seem to control myself right now I think I-" and that was it for words. Zuko tried to force more of them out but they wouldn't make the journey from his mind to his lips. His body tensed, and he looked at the floor. 

_'Powerless and ashamed, no matter what the circumstances. Pathetic.'_

Sokka was approaching. He looked... Safe. Not angry. He seemed to be feeling... Guilty?

"I'm sorry," Sokka was saying. Zuko tried to just listen. "You did say that. I got excited and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I'll remember for next time. No drawing attention. I can do subtle." 

_There is no way Sokka can do subtle._ But it pulled a quick smile from him. He quickly squeezed Sokka's shoulder quickly and shook his head. This wasn't really his fault. Faster than a heartbeat though, and he was serious again. He knew Sokka wasn't a threat, but nothing else felt safe. He kept his eyes to the floors and crossed to his doors. Locked them. The windows. Pulled the shades. He looked around for anything else he could secure. Himself. Closet? Under the bed? Sokka watched him check for room in the closet and seemed to understand- "Zuko, come here please."

Sokka had learned that Zuko didn't respond well to orders when he was like this. Soft and gentle seemed to work best.

_"When he was like this' seemed to be happening with more frequency. He fought a damn war and was able to get through it, but a few months at home had him coming undone. No self-control. Typical, Zuko.'_

His thoughts had seemed to take him. He had apparently followed Sokka's request and was standing next to the bed where Sokka had made him some sort of... Nest? Pillows were around the space Sokka was indicating for him, and it seemed he was going to be ready to tuck him in. Zuko didn't have any better ideas, so he quickly shucked his cloak, shoes, pants and shirt, and quickly scrambled into the pillow nest.

Sokka did, in fact, tuck him in. He brought the blankets up to Zuko's nose, and wrapped the blankets under the pillows. "There," he finished, "your own little hiding place. More comfortable than the closet, in my opinion."

Zuko did feel safer. He also felt like a child, tucked up in bed from the monsters he couldn't see (he hid in the closet from the monsters in his home he he _could_ see).

Sokka undressed and tucked up in bed next to him and was just... Quiet. After a few moments, Zuko wiggled his hand out of the blanket to grab at just one of Sokka's fingers. The whole hand felt like too much contact. He gave it a squeeze. Sokka smiled, which had been his goal.

_'It wasn't Sokka's fault that he was a fearful child, unable to control his actions. He had to be sure Sokka was alright, too, having to deal with his foolishness,'_ the voice told him, smug.

They stared at each other, quiet, for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm trying to differentiate the "intrusive thoughts" in this chapter from the internal monologue in the previous chapter. Sorry if it's confusing. Hard to differentiate voices when the call's coming from 'inside the house'.


End file.
